Memories of Relationships Past | Frank Love on Relationships

Monday, Jul. 16th 2012 12:12 AM

When you remember past relationships, do you think of your former partners fondly? Or are you bitter, angry or hurt? If you?re holding onto the painful memories, and choosing to forget the good times you had together, you?re only hurting yourself.

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One of my favorite television shows is Harry?s Law, an off-beat courtroom drama starring the exceptionally-talented Kathy Bates, who won an Oscar for her performance in Misery. In a recent episode, Bates? character, Harry, is forced to reconcile her memories ? good and bad ? of her first husband, Arthur.

Arthur has died, and it seems that Harry was the closest person to him. She begrudgingly identifies his body, and has few positive things to say about him. She hasn?t seen him in 20 years but seems quite angry. She even notes that he ?had a knack for driving everybody away.? When the funeral director asks her what preparations she would like to make, she tells him, ?Just dig the hole.? When he asks how many people she expects to attend the funeral, she replies, ?Counting him? One.? Got a good sense of their history now?

Then, one of Harry?s staff attorneys stops her and asks her to tell him about the deceased. Harry explains that she had been Arthur?s legal secretary, and that he insisted she go to law school, because she would be good at it. As she reminisces, she also notes that he was a drunk, a gambler, a womanizer and the biggest scoundrel she ever met. Then, with a big smile on her face, she adds that he was ?one hell of a party.?

This got me thinking about a chapter in my forthcoming book, How to Gracefully Exit a Relationship. In it, I discuss the importance of remembering the beginning of relationships with past partners ? what brought you together, what you found attractive about that person, and the happy times you had along the way. Many of us spend years seething over the circumstances around a break-up, thinking about how terribly we were treated or how unhappy we were in the end. We rarely think far back enough to remember the good times, and there must have been good times, or those relationships wouldn?t have existed in the first place. But when we remember and focus on the positive aspects of past relationships, we are freed from the painful baggage that many of us carry around, often to the detriment of new relationships.

Harry is angry and seemingly-bitter about her relationship with her ex, until she?s probed to dig further back into her memory, past what must have been an ugly divorce, to a time when she wanted to be married to this man. In doing so, she discovers that he had a profound influence on her life and even who she is today. How beautiful!

I had a past relationship that ended unpleasantly. When I think back to that time in my life and begin to feel those negative emotions resurfacing, I stop and remind myself of the benefits that she brought to my life ? one of the most significant being her influence on my writing. Without that influence, I don?t know that I would be sharing this blog with you. To her, I have said, and say again now, ?Thank you. I remain grateful for every piece of my growth that you influenced.?

When remembering your past relationships, try to focus on the memories that are pleasant, empowering and happy. I am sure that some exist, because something attracted and connected you to this person at some point. You just might need to give yourself permission to dig deeper. You might even require help from a third party, or inspiration from old photos or letters. That?s OK. The experience is Powerful, and so are you.

The episode ends with Harry walking away from her ex-husband?s headstone, on which she?d had the following message engraved:

Arthur Korn

Beloved Son
Husband
Scoundrel

Who knows? Add ?Father,? and one day, my headstone might read very similarly, depending on the interpreter.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love

www.FrankLove.com

Source: http://franklove.net/2012/07/16/memories-of-relationships-past/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=memories-of-relationships-past

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